Hello everyone. I’m back in the land of the living.
So, how did everything go, you ask? As far as I can tell, it went well. We are still waiting for some of the Pathology to come back but, even if there is anything new, it will be in its infancy stage and we can deal with it quickly.
Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about catheters and especially my favorite, the Foley.
If you remember, I spoke last week about the many orifices that the human body has. Well, it is the catheter that fits into one of those orifices. Whoever invented this item for the medical community needs to have different sized melons and grapes inserted into his posterior. And I know it’s a “he” since no woman is that cruel.
I have had the pleasure, over the past two years, to be cathed (a nice little word that really means excruciating torture) approximately 20 times. There is no way to explain the feeling of having an object snaked through your urethra, push past you prostate and enter your bladder. Now I know how the pipe feels after Roto-Rooter pays a visit.
Now I want you to imagine that after going through all of this, the discomfort of the “voyage” through your urethra and the arrival at the destination (your bladder), your physician decides, after surgery, that for the next few days, “…we are going to leave this thing in you to make sure everything is working right.” And to be sure it stays where it is supposed to, they pump up a little balloon (The Foley, named after its inventor) that will keep it bobbing happily inside your bladder. So, basically, there were two sick bastards that found each other and invented this tool.
Once that is all done, the tube that is now hanging out of your penis is attached to a plastic bag that is strapped to your leg. As the bag fills up, it gets heavier and heavier, which in turn, tugs on the hose which pulls on the Foley, which…you get the message.
Needless to say, it is not a pretty site, especially on a fat, white guy like me. If you disconnected the hose from the bag, you could swear that someone had developed a new pull toy.
Anyway, I am back and kicking. In a few more days, I will be stronger…need to get some rest.
Take care everyone
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Honey, Where Did You Put My Shoes?
There is something afoot in Canada.
Apparently, feet have been washing ashore in the Vancouver area for over the past year and the local constabulary is at wit’s end trying to figure out what is going on.
The latest foot washed ashore yesterday and a Sgt. Mike Tresoor with the world famous RCMP said that it apparently looked like a right foot. Hmmm! Good to know they can tell the difference. According to the reports, all feet washed ashore while still encased in running shoes.
After extensive DNA testing, it seems that none of the feet belong to anyone that the police know. Well, that’s a relief.
The reason why the feet have washed ashore, according to the RCMP, is because they were encased in running shoes and, therefore, remained buoyant. This is a good thing to know if you are ever being chased by a great white shark. Always wear your running shoes while swimming and they will always find your feet. Also a good idea, if you ever find yourself wading in the pristine waters of northwest Canada where grizzlies tend to also wade. Apparently, running shoes don’t taste good and are, basically, left behind.
Sergeant Tresoor also stated, “The object (the foot) will ultimately be examined by a forensic pathologist in attempts to determine the source of the foot…”
I always thought that feet were usually a part of a body, but, hey, that’s just me.
My theory is that three people got eaten by either a killer whale or a grizzly (it all matters where the departed were at the time) and, because their feet were encased in rubber, the critter that devoured them was not able to digest that part, and, basically crapped them out. Kind of like the equivalent of eating corn. You get my drift.
And with that, I must leave you for the day. I will try to get one more out before surgery but will probably be home cowering in a corner for the weekend in anticipation of having a new object squeezed into you know where and hearing the simple sounds of my doctor saying to his nurse, “Wow, do you really think this is going to fit?”
Apparently, feet have been washing ashore in the Vancouver area for over the past year and the local constabulary is at wit’s end trying to figure out what is going on.
The latest foot washed ashore yesterday and a Sgt. Mike Tresoor with the world famous RCMP said that it apparently looked like a right foot. Hmmm! Good to know they can tell the difference. According to the reports, all feet washed ashore while still encased in running shoes.
After extensive DNA testing, it seems that none of the feet belong to anyone that the police know. Well, that’s a relief.
The reason why the feet have washed ashore, according to the RCMP, is because they were encased in running shoes and, therefore, remained buoyant. This is a good thing to know if you are ever being chased by a great white shark. Always wear your running shoes while swimming and they will always find your feet. Also a good idea, if you ever find yourself wading in the pristine waters of northwest Canada where grizzlies tend to also wade. Apparently, running shoes don’t taste good and are, basically, left behind.
Sergeant Tresoor also stated, “The object (the foot) will ultimately be examined by a forensic pathologist in attempts to determine the source of the foot…”
I always thought that feet were usually a part of a body, but, hey, that’s just me.
My theory is that three people got eaten by either a killer whale or a grizzly (it all matters where the departed were at the time) and, because their feet were encased in rubber, the critter that devoured them was not able to digest that part, and, basically crapped them out. Kind of like the equivalent of eating corn. You get my drift.
And with that, I must leave you for the day. I will try to get one more out before surgery but will probably be home cowering in a corner for the weekend in anticipation of having a new object squeezed into you know where and hearing the simple sounds of my doctor saying to his nurse, “Wow, do you really think this is going to fit?”
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Honey, Where Did You Put My Stethiscope?
Hi everyone,
I hope everyone is well. I have heard back from a number of you and I thank you all for your concern. Please, and may I repeat myself, please, do not worry about me. I am fine. This disease is a pain in the ass but luckily, it is manageable so far. I do want to share some of my medical experiences with you all because I believe that we need to stay informed about physicians and their sneaky ways. Here area couple of things you need to watch out for.
# 1.
It is amazing how you can insert objects into certain parts of the body that you never thought it would fit. Well, I am here to say that, if need be, you could probably shove a watermelon up your ass if you needed to. Although, I see no reason to do that since there is no medicinal value to this function. It might help in the feeding process like boas that eat cows and don’t eat for a month. Unfortunately, humans have to go to work and therefore can’t lie around for a week to digest their food. I know my mind is wandering; I will stop now.
#2.
I never knew that the body had as many entrance holes that it does. I realized that the nose is good, the mouth, the ears, and the butt. But when my Doc first informed me that, no, I would not be asleep for my scopes and, yes, I am going to push this half inch in circumference rubber tube up your penis and you will be awake all the time, I almost fainted.
#3.
Doctors lie. I don’t know about any of you but when someone says that you may feel some discomfort, I anticipate the feeling of a 300 pound person sitting on your chest for 3 seconds or getting a cramp in your hand or the feeling in your ears when you land in a plane. Pretend that the scope is a cork screw and your penis is a bottle of wine. Okay, get the idea? What do you think, discomfort or pain? Think of that the next time you uncork a bottle. You may want to buy a screw top.
#4.
When Doctors ask, “Am I hurting you?” sit up, tell them that they may feel some discomfort and then knock them out.
That’s it for today except for this:
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick." the doctor said.
I hope everyone is well. I have heard back from a number of you and I thank you all for your concern. Please, and may I repeat myself, please, do not worry about me. I am fine. This disease is a pain in the ass but luckily, it is manageable so far. I do want to share some of my medical experiences with you all because I believe that we need to stay informed about physicians and their sneaky ways. Here area couple of things you need to watch out for.
# 1.
It is amazing how you can insert objects into certain parts of the body that you never thought it would fit. Well, I am here to say that, if need be, you could probably shove a watermelon up your ass if you needed to. Although, I see no reason to do that since there is no medicinal value to this function. It might help in the feeding process like boas that eat cows and don’t eat for a month. Unfortunately, humans have to go to work and therefore can’t lie around for a week to digest their food. I know my mind is wandering; I will stop now.
#2.
I never knew that the body had as many entrance holes that it does. I realized that the nose is good, the mouth, the ears, and the butt. But when my Doc first informed me that, no, I would not be asleep for my scopes and, yes, I am going to push this half inch in circumference rubber tube up your penis and you will be awake all the time, I almost fainted.
#3.
Doctors lie. I don’t know about any of you but when someone says that you may feel some discomfort, I anticipate the feeling of a 300 pound person sitting on your chest for 3 seconds or getting a cramp in your hand or the feeling in your ears when you land in a plane. Pretend that the scope is a cork screw and your penis is a bottle of wine. Okay, get the idea? What do you think, discomfort or pain? Think of that the next time you uncork a bottle. You may want to buy a screw top.
#4.
When Doctors ask, “Am I hurting you?” sit up, tell them that they may feel some discomfort and then knock them out.
That’s it for today except for this:
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
"You were homesick." the doctor said.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Are We There Yet?
Well, it's the beginning of the week. Happy Monday to all of you. I hope everyone's day was a good one. Mine was quite "adventurous".
I have been trying to keep all of this pretty much under wraps because I really didn't know what was going to happen next.
So, therefore, I will start from the beginning. Last Wednesday, I found out that instead of being in remission, my cancer had come back. What a pain in the ass...or should I say groin!!! I had been telling Lise that I was not as optimistic as she was last week when I went to get scoped. I have a pretty good handle on what goes on with me and, sure enough, the scope indicated that it was back. Poor Dr. Levin...he was more upset than I was.
Anyway, here is the scoop. At first Dr. Levin was worried that it was aggressive this time because it looked like that to him. The biopsy indicated that it was a low grade tumor, which was good news, I guess. Unfortunately, I still had to go through all of the nerve wracking tests today such as the CT Scan with Contrast and the bone scan.
Got through that today and will be going under the knife again on Monday afternoon. The only good thing about that is the anesthesia. Best sleep I get.
Once that is all done on Monday afternoon, I get to rest on Tuesday and get back to work.
I will keep you all up to date...I promise. Everything should be okay and, since Friday, all I can say is that I am still here. I can still be with my family and friends. What could be better!!
Anyway, for all of my family and friends, here is my first funny for the blog:
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Have a wonderful day tomorrow!
Best to all of you
D
I have been trying to keep all of this pretty much under wraps because I really didn't know what was going to happen next.
So, therefore, I will start from the beginning. Last Wednesday, I found out that instead of being in remission, my cancer had come back. What a pain in the ass...or should I say groin!!! I had been telling Lise that I was not as optimistic as she was last week when I went to get scoped. I have a pretty good handle on what goes on with me and, sure enough, the scope indicated that it was back. Poor Dr. Levin...he was more upset than I was.
Anyway, here is the scoop. At first Dr. Levin was worried that it was aggressive this time because it looked like that to him. The biopsy indicated that it was a low grade tumor, which was good news, I guess. Unfortunately, I still had to go through all of the nerve wracking tests today such as the CT Scan with Contrast and the bone scan.
Got through that today and will be going under the knife again on Monday afternoon. The only good thing about that is the anesthesia. Best sleep I get.
Once that is all done on Monday afternoon, I get to rest on Tuesday and get back to work.
I will keep you all up to date...I promise. Everything should be okay and, since Friday, all I can say is that I am still here. I can still be with my family and friends. What could be better!!
Anyway, for all of my family and friends, here is my first funny for the blog:
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Have a wonderful day tomorrow!
Best to all of you
D
Friday, June 13, 2008
Why We Should Never Peek Into Our Attics
Okay, I do not normally react to news articles that seem to planted in newspapers just to get a slight guffaw, especially in these tough times that we are in. But this headline in The Sun, that wonderful British rag that you could compare to the National Enquirer, was just a little strange.
"British Man Stunned to Find a Dozen Illegal Immigrants Living in His Attic"
" A stunned British man looked in his attic — and found a colony of Kosovans living in
the roof. The 12 illegal immigrants were sitting on mattresses eating sandwiches."
I don't know about you, but the thought of looking in my attic and finding one person, let alone "a whole colony" of people sitting on mattresses and eating sandwiches, is weird. I hope they were engaged in lively conversation or something. I mean, just sitting there and eating sandwiches seems a little boring, don't you think?
Thank God he didn't look in his attic when they were all pooping. That could have been bad!
And then to think that this was a bunch of "Kosovans". It makes you wonder what kind of sandwiches they were.
I hope they are able to help these people. Maybe they can move them to the attic of Burger King or some place like that. If it had happened here, I can almost guarantee you that they would have received a trip from Disney or something.
Maybe.
"British Man Stunned to Find a Dozen Illegal Immigrants Living in His Attic"
" A stunned British man looked in his attic — and found a colony of Kosovans living in
the roof. The 12 illegal immigrants were sitting on mattresses eating sandwiches."
I don't know about you, but the thought of looking in my attic and finding one person, let alone "a whole colony" of people sitting on mattresses and eating sandwiches, is weird. I hope they were engaged in lively conversation or something. I mean, just sitting there and eating sandwiches seems a little boring, don't you think?
Thank God he didn't look in his attic when they were all pooping. That could have been bad!
And then to think that this was a bunch of "Kosovans". It makes you wonder what kind of sandwiches they were.
I hope they are able to help these people. Maybe they can move them to the attic of Burger King or some place like that. If it had happened here, I can almost guarantee you that they would have received a trip from Disney or something.
Maybe.
Food For Thought
What is it with South Americans. In 1972 a planeload of Uraguyans crashed in the Andes. They were rescued after 72 days and it was later discovered that they had been regularly munching on some of their team mates for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Okay, I can understand, somewhat, that there is a need to have food on a regular basis, especially after something as traumatic as a plane crash. You need all of the energy that you can muster just to stay alive. The thought of eating your best friend, though, is tough to comprehend but explainable.
Where I am questioning the dining habits of South Americans is with the following situation.
This week, a plane crashed in Chile, again in the mountains and fortunately most of the passengers survived. The survivors were rescued after 5 days. The only death was the pilot who lost a large amount of blood and was not able to survive.
Here is my problem with all of this. One of the survivors was quoted the other day as saying that they, the survivors, discussed eating the pilot.
Okay folks, it was only 5 days! You think you can hold off for a few more days before looking at a dead body and seeing a rump roast. I don't know about you, but the thought of eating someone's thigh slowly roasted over an open pit is a little disturbing to me.
We need to make sure that South American Airlines start to carry extra food on board in the event of a crash landing. These folks get too hungry, way too quickly!!
Okay, I can understand, somewhat, that there is a need to have food on a regular basis, especially after something as traumatic as a plane crash. You need all of the energy that you can muster just to stay alive. The thought of eating your best friend, though, is tough to comprehend but explainable.
Where I am questioning the dining habits of South Americans is with the following situation.
This week, a plane crashed in Chile, again in the mountains and fortunately most of the passengers survived. The survivors were rescued after 5 days. The only death was the pilot who lost a large amount of blood and was not able to survive.
Here is my problem with all of this. One of the survivors was quoted the other day as saying that they, the survivors, discussed eating the pilot.
Okay folks, it was only 5 days! You think you can hold off for a few more days before looking at a dead body and seeing a rump roast. I don't know about you, but the thought of eating someone's thigh slowly roasted over an open pit is a little disturbing to me.
We need to make sure that South American Airlines start to carry extra food on board in the event of a crash landing. These folks get too hungry, way too quickly!!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
On The Turning Away
I watched the news last night, as I usually try to do, and hoped that the usual depressing information about the war and gas prices would be less evident in the broadcasts than they normally are. I was struck by the fact that the news services are now reporting the ever increasing gas prices the same way that they reported the deaths in Iraq. We seem to be setting targets that both the oil markets and the insurgency are trying to hit. As if gas at $4.05 is as bad as 4,000 dead.
We need to stop doing this. As long as we have our military in a war zone, we will have deaths. As long as the world needs fuel the way it does, we will have ever increasing prices. So, what do we do?
We forget about fuel prices and casualties unless we are willing to stop driving or supporting whatever government is in place at the time and we start questioning why young people find it necessary to attack, bludgeon and maybe even kill homeless people.
It has become a true reflection of our society and one that I find extremely disturbing. The thought that society seems to view attacks on the homeless as just another prank conducted by spoiled, bored, conscience-less young people is a devastating image to see in the mirror.
This is something that needs to stop immediately. We need to find out why certain people think that this activity is okay and then go out and do it. We must stop turning away and face the issue the way a true, legitimate society must do.
We need to stop doing this. As long as we have our military in a war zone, we will have deaths. As long as the world needs fuel the way it does, we will have ever increasing prices. So, what do we do?
We forget about fuel prices and casualties unless we are willing to stop driving or supporting whatever government is in place at the time and we start questioning why young people find it necessary to attack, bludgeon and maybe even kill homeless people.
It has become a true reflection of our society and one that I find extremely disturbing. The thought that society seems to view attacks on the homeless as just another prank conducted by spoiled, bored, conscience-less young people is a devastating image to see in the mirror.
This is something that needs to stop immediately. We need to find out why certain people think that this activity is okay and then go out and do it. We must stop turning away and face the issue the way a true, legitimate society must do.
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