Hello everyone. Yes, I am back!!
It has been a rather eventful summer due to my inability to find employment. Gee! Thanks Barack for stopping any and all forward movement in the healthcare arena. I would also like to thank each and every one of you that voted for our current administration. JOB WELL DONE, FOLKS!!
Anyway, I have been remiss in keeping everyone up to date on how we are doing. So, let’s consider this an early Christmas Update Letter. You know, those irritating letters from people every year around Christmas, informing you how they and their family have been doing over the past year. Yup. You know who you are folks. Knock it off. They’re irritating and most people couldn’t give a fat crap if little Johnny just got new colored braces or little Becky got fitted for her first training bra, okay? Just stop it!!
I’m sorry. I just had one of those lapses my doctor had warned me about. Anyway, where do I start? Do I start by telling you about Lise and how she showed up at the Hospital in Florida on Easter Sunday with a huge fishing hook planted in the back of her head by yours truly? Nah! That’s a boring story or, at least it is for me?
How about our latest hospital adventure for Lise, where she got into my car, a few weeks ago, after a hard day at work, (at least she has a job) only to start talking to me like she had left her tongue in the office? I asked her if she had been drinking and her response was, “…I haf bin in du offish all day working my ash off and you shink I’ve bin dinkin?” Aside from sounding like Marlee Matlin (you know, the actress in Children of a Lesser God) I quickly realized that I should halt any further queries about alcohol. So, off to the hospital we went and had Lise treated for a new MS adventure. Three days later she was home, relaxing. No big deal!
Let’s see now; how about Nick who was informed by his roommate that he had to get rid of his cat, Karma. Not to sound overly dramatic, but that’s like telling John Hinckley that he can’t watch Jodie Foster movies anymore or telling Sirhan-Sirhan to stay away from the handgun displays at the JC Penny. So, you get my drift, right?
Anyway, Nick found a great place in Severna Park, his old stomping ground and less than 5 miles away from his brother in a beautiful, serene part of the Park called Linstead. His neighbors are wonderful and don’t have a clue what is about to happen. Drums are being set up and Nick found out that his upstairs neighbor is also a drummer, so they have decided to practice together. Oh what fun. Music in the Park. It’s going to sound like Mboto, the village elder, calling everyone together for dinner. Hey, maybe the village idiot may show up. I promise to keep you up to date on that one. Anyway, Sundays promise to be fun, what with football, parties, drunk Perunoviches and their friends; can’t wait.
Well, enough about us. Expect the blog to be updated weekly, purely because I have SFA (that stands for Sweet Fanny Apples) to do all day. Have a great week and remember everyone: Don’t start drinking before 10 AM. The program is working for me.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Driving Under The Influence
Unless you have been living under a rock for the last month or so, you are probably quite concerned about what is happening in our world today. We have voted in a President who everyone is expecting walks on water and we continue to ask this man to be our political Messiah. Unfortunately, he is not. Not for lack of trying, though.
Therefore, I think we need a little humor in our lives right now and it should be at the expense of government, right? Okay, so I was reading the news today and came across some pretty funny stuff with regard to traffic laws around the country. I thought I would share them with you because my medical adventures are on hold at the moment and I need to stay in touch with everyone.
As a quick update, I am fine. The last scope showed no tumors and I am very happy. My Doc noticed some constrictions when he was sending the scope up “Mr. Not So Happy” and wants to find out what’s going on and has ordered a number of tests which, believe me, I will share with you when they happen. I am convinced the wife is now looking to upgrade the family’s soccer transport to a Porsche Cayenne but since I like my Doc, I shall refrain from disparaging remarks. Plus, I’ve seen a picture of the wife and, trust me; she’d look great in that Porsche.
Anyway, before my mind wanders off to Polish Hairstylists (as another vision pops in to my ADD addled brain. Thanks Lisa), let’s talk about Road Rules for Dummies.
In Denver, it’s illegal to drive a black car on Sunday. And to go one step further into the world of LSD, Minneapolis outlawed red cars on Lake Street.
Here are more unusual laws so that the next time an officer asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over? You can actually look them in the eye and say, “Possibly”
Rural New Jersey requires drivers to honk the horn when passing another vehicle going in the same direction outside a business or residential district. However, watch it in Little Rock, Ark., where the law says “no person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.” Honking at sandwich shops is OK in University City, Mo. – so long as you honk in your own car. It’s illegal to honk someone else’s horn.
Topeka, Kansas has made it “unlawful for any person to suffer or permit any livestock owned or controlled by such person to run at large, or to drive any herd of cattle, horses, mules or hogs, or any flock of sheep, upon any street in the city.”
In Mount Vernon, Iowa, you’re not allowed to shoot arrows or throw bricks onto any street or highway without the City Council’s written consent.
In San Francisco, it’s illegal to wipe a vehicle with used underwear and to pile horse manure more than six feet high on any street corner. Thank God!
In Oregon and New Jersey, you cannot pump your own gas. Supposedly this practice keeps gasoline prices lower in those states, because insurance costs for gas stations go down if attendants instead of customers pump the gas – but, on the other hand, that attendant must be paid, whereas you pump for free. So the jury’s out on the reasons for this one.
In Palm Springs, California, it is forbidden to walk a camel down the main street, Palm Canyon Drive, between 4 and 6 p.m.
Hunting from moving vehicles is illegal in several states, including Connecticut and Tennessee, where only whale hunting by that method is allowed.
Thou shalt not sow a vegetable garden in any public street in Chico, Calif. The law, however, does not forbid flower gardens.
This is very important to remember: No matter how sleepy you get, you are not allowed to snooze in the middle of any street in Eureka, Calif. You are also not permitted to park yourself on a bench or chair in the middle of its road in Reno, Nevada.
And finally:
Yield to peacocks in Arcadia, Calif.
Don’t jump into a passing vehicle in Glendale, Calif.
Don’t change clothes in your car at the beach in Destin, Fla.
Don’t drive through playgrounds in Dublin, Ga.
It is illegal to ride a horse at night without taillights in Texarkana, Texas,
Therefore, I think we need a little humor in our lives right now and it should be at the expense of government, right? Okay, so I was reading the news today and came across some pretty funny stuff with regard to traffic laws around the country. I thought I would share them with you because my medical adventures are on hold at the moment and I need to stay in touch with everyone.
As a quick update, I am fine. The last scope showed no tumors and I am very happy. My Doc noticed some constrictions when he was sending the scope up “Mr. Not So Happy” and wants to find out what’s going on and has ordered a number of tests which, believe me, I will share with you when they happen. I am convinced the wife is now looking to upgrade the family’s soccer transport to a Porsche Cayenne but since I like my Doc, I shall refrain from disparaging remarks. Plus, I’ve seen a picture of the wife and, trust me; she’d look great in that Porsche.
Anyway, before my mind wanders off to Polish Hairstylists (as another vision pops in to my ADD addled brain. Thanks Lisa), let’s talk about Road Rules for Dummies.
In Denver, it’s illegal to drive a black car on Sunday. And to go one step further into the world of LSD, Minneapolis outlawed red cars on Lake Street.
Here are more unusual laws so that the next time an officer asks you, “Do you know why I pulled you over? You can actually look them in the eye and say, “Possibly”
Rural New Jersey requires drivers to honk the horn when passing another vehicle going in the same direction outside a business or residential district. However, watch it in Little Rock, Ark., where the law says “no person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.” Honking at sandwich shops is OK in University City, Mo. – so long as you honk in your own car. It’s illegal to honk someone else’s horn.
Topeka, Kansas has made it “unlawful for any person to suffer or permit any livestock owned or controlled by such person to run at large, or to drive any herd of cattle, horses, mules or hogs, or any flock of sheep, upon any street in the city.”
In Mount Vernon, Iowa, you’re not allowed to shoot arrows or throw bricks onto any street or highway without the City Council’s written consent.
In San Francisco, it’s illegal to wipe a vehicle with used underwear and to pile horse manure more than six feet high on any street corner. Thank God!
In Oregon and New Jersey, you cannot pump your own gas. Supposedly this practice keeps gasoline prices lower in those states, because insurance costs for gas stations go down if attendants instead of customers pump the gas – but, on the other hand, that attendant must be paid, whereas you pump for free. So the jury’s out on the reasons for this one.
In Palm Springs, California, it is forbidden to walk a camel down the main street, Palm Canyon Drive, between 4 and 6 p.m.
Hunting from moving vehicles is illegal in several states, including Connecticut and Tennessee, where only whale hunting by that method is allowed.
Thou shalt not sow a vegetable garden in any public street in Chico, Calif. The law, however, does not forbid flower gardens.
This is very important to remember: No matter how sleepy you get, you are not allowed to snooze in the middle of any street in Eureka, Calif. You are also not permitted to park yourself on a bench or chair in the middle of its road in Reno, Nevada.
And finally:
Yield to peacocks in Arcadia, Calif.
Don’t jump into a passing vehicle in Glendale, Calif.
Don’t change clothes in your car at the beach in Destin, Fla.
Don’t drive through playgrounds in Dublin, Ga.
It is illegal to ride a horse at night without taillights in Texarkana, Texas,
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Honey! Where did you put the diapers
Hello everyone. I decided to start out the year with a slightly newer approach to my blogs. Basically, I will try to be more mature and professioonal with regard to both my opinions and comments and will try to discuss topics with a number of differing viewpoints in order to promote thoughtful discussion.
The election has taught me patience, tolerance and downright niceness. I am looking forward to the next four years bringing maturity to my way of thinking and viewing everytthing on a more serious note.
Therefore, I ask you to read the news article below and, if you wish, you may email me your thoughts and/or opinions. Please read it a couple of times, in the event that it may leave some doubt as to how you would respond.
CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.
Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.
The monkey is not considered dangerous.
Hey Gary. Here's a clue, buddy. The fact that this creature throws shit when he gets angry is enough for me to consider it "DANGEROUS", you moron.
Here's what I think they should do. Screw the bucket truck and the tranquilizer dart. Drive a .45 slug through the MF Primates head and see if it comes blowing out of its ass. I bet it won't be flinging any more shit at anyone!!!
Anyway, so, that's my opinion. I hope it was not considered to be too shocking and I hope you feel that I have given it some thought and did not overreact.
Thank you for your time
The election has taught me patience, tolerance and downright niceness. I am looking forward to the next four years bringing maturity to my way of thinking and viewing everytthing on a more serious note.
Therefore, I ask you to read the news article below and, if you wish, you may email me your thoughts and/or opinions. Please read it a couple of times, in the event that it may leave some doubt as to how you would respond.
CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) - Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.
Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.
The monkey is not considered dangerous.
Hey Gary. Here's a clue, buddy. The fact that this creature throws shit when he gets angry is enough for me to consider it "DANGEROUS", you moron.
Here's what I think they should do. Screw the bucket truck and the tranquilizer dart. Drive a .45 slug through the MF Primates head and see if it comes blowing out of its ass. I bet it won't be flinging any more shit at anyone!!!
Anyway, so, that's my opinion. I hope it was not considered to be too shocking and I hope you feel that I have given it some thought and did not overreact.
Thank you for your time
Friday, January 9, 2009
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Let's Call a "Time Out"
Over the past several weeks, I have found myself getting more and more irritated by what is about to happen in this country on November 4th. A very close relative of mine, whose opinion I appreciate, reminded me that for someone who is unable to vote in the US general election, I sure as hell had a lot to say about it. And I must admit, he is right.
My frustration is not so much with who will win or lose because I really don’t believe that it is a presidency that runs this country. I have always believed that the people run this country and I trust that the people will correctly choose who they need right now to lead them.
Would I prefer a Republican President over a Democratic President? Absolutely!
Will I be able to live happily under a Democratic President? You Betcha!!
Will I feel the pinch of higher taxes? Probably not, since you can’t lose what you don’t got!!
What I finally realized today was that there is so much going on in today’s world and we citizens and residents of this country are oblivious to it all. If it does not have the names of either Obama or McCain in the sentence, neither the press nor the public are spending too much time discussing it. We are being bombarded day and night by the press with election coverage that started over a year ago and has been relentless. We have stopped being horrified by headlines which should rattle our very core beliefs.
Obama is a Socialist…McCain is too old…Palin spent $150,000 on clothing…Biden
puts another foot in his mouth……..Who cares?
Here are some real important stories:
• SEOUL, South Korea — North Korea's military warned Tuesday it would attack South Korea and turn it into "debris"
• WASHINGTON (AP) - Two white supremacists allegedly plotted to go on a national killing spree, shooting and decapitating black people and ultimately targeting Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, federal authorities said Monday
• CHICAGO (AP) – A 7 year old boy was found dead earlier Monday in the back of an SUV with a bullet through his head, ending a frantic search that began after the shooting deaths of Hudson's mother and brother three days earlier
• WAKE COUNTY NC (AP) - The husband of a jogger found dead near her North Carolina home was charged with her murder, capping an emotional, months-long investigation
• COLUMBIA, S.C. — A 14-year-old South Carolina boy faces two counts of murder in the deaths of his mother and unborn sister she was carrying, authorities said Monday.
And maybe this one says it all:
• LONDON, England - London's iconic red buses could soon be plastered with the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life," in an atheist advertising campaign responding to a set of Christian ads.
HAVE A MAGICAL DAY
My frustration is not so much with who will win or lose because I really don’t believe that it is a presidency that runs this country. I have always believed that the people run this country and I trust that the people will correctly choose who they need right now to lead them.
Would I prefer a Republican President over a Democratic President? Absolutely!
Will I be able to live happily under a Democratic President? You Betcha!!
Will I feel the pinch of higher taxes? Probably not, since you can’t lose what you don’t got!!
What I finally realized today was that there is so much going on in today’s world and we citizens and residents of this country are oblivious to it all. If it does not have the names of either Obama or McCain in the sentence, neither the press nor the public are spending too much time discussing it. We are being bombarded day and night by the press with election coverage that started over a year ago and has been relentless. We have stopped being horrified by headlines which should rattle our very core beliefs.
Obama is a Socialist…McCain is too old…Palin spent $150,000 on clothing…Biden
puts another foot in his mouth……..Who cares?
Here are some real important stories:
• SEOUL, South Korea — North Korea's military warned Tuesday it would attack South Korea and turn it into "debris"
• WASHINGTON (AP) - Two white supremacists allegedly plotted to go on a national killing spree, shooting and decapitating black people and ultimately targeting Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, federal authorities said Monday
• CHICAGO (AP) – A 7 year old boy was found dead earlier Monday in the back of an SUV with a bullet through his head, ending a frantic search that began after the shooting deaths of Hudson's mother and brother three days earlier
• WAKE COUNTY NC (AP) - The husband of a jogger found dead near her North Carolina home was charged with her murder, capping an emotional, months-long investigation
• COLUMBIA, S.C. — A 14-year-old South Carolina boy faces two counts of murder in the deaths of his mother and unborn sister she was carrying, authorities said Monday.
And maybe this one says it all:
• LONDON, England - London's iconic red buses could soon be plastered with the slogan "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life," in an atheist advertising campaign responding to a set of Christian ads.
HAVE A MAGICAL DAY
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Hey Honey! Can We Vote?
I have been trying to stay out of the political melee that is about to take place. Unfortunately, what with all the crap that has been happening over the past two weeks, I need to add my two cents. Not for any other reason that I am an obnoxious asshole that is highly opinionated and I now need to spout off.
So, if you are a left leaning individual, you may want to go visit a Sandra Bernhard web site or maybe Rosie or maybe “The View” guides your political viewpoint. Whatever it is, get off my damn blog!!
If you are a Republican currently hiding in the closet, you better go do something else, because I have no God Damn use for you either. Here goes.
We have endured the ramblings and posturings of both parties for the past six months and, frankly, I am sick and tired of the bullshit.
Barak Obama is nothing more than a typical asshole politician. He is neither Black nor White. He is a Liberal, Left Wing Democrat who thinks that everything the United States stands for is wrong. He believes that we, the people, have condoned the actions of the current administration and it is his duty to save us from our sins because he knows better. He is an elitist asshole who only cares for one thing…his continued successful political career. He and Bill Clinton will go down in history as two of the three most useless idiots we have put in power for the last 50 years. I will let you decide who the third over-educated shit head is but I hear he loves peanuts.
Obama has campaigned on a ticket calling for change and people have fallen for that crap since he first opened his mouth. There is a belief that Obama really sees the problems that exist out there and has a definitive plan to bring about changes. Yet, no one has asked him how he would do it. No one, in the press, has challenged Obama…no one.
Meanwhile, the press and the Liberal elites are thumping their chests over the fact that they have been able to rattle and confuse Sarah Palin. They just love the fact that Katie (look at me) Couric has been able to “corner” the potential Vice President and make her stammer over her answers. Has anyone ever played tapes of Obama stumbling over answers for questions he was not prepared for? You ought to see them, they are pretty funny. The boy can stutter.
Okay, so who do I think will win the election? It’s quite obvious. We will have a new President who will have absolutely no experience and will end up probably as intellectually corrupt as some of his predecessors. Is there anything we can do about it? No, not really. Short of Obama doing something extremely stupid before the election, we will have a new, first time ever, black President, which I do not have a problem with, whatsoever. I just wish we were voting him in on substance and not due to guilt.
As for all of you Republicans out there who are still not sure how you will vote? Let me express how I feel about your inability to decide. You are a bunch of worthless, unintelligent assholes. If you are unable to decide at this point in time or are just embarrassed to admit that you will vote Republican, you need to move to Switzerland, you mindless freaks.
So, if you are a left leaning individual, you may want to go visit a Sandra Bernhard web site or maybe Rosie or maybe “The View” guides your political viewpoint. Whatever it is, get off my damn blog!!
If you are a Republican currently hiding in the closet, you better go do something else, because I have no God Damn use for you either. Here goes.
We have endured the ramblings and posturings of both parties for the past six months and, frankly, I am sick and tired of the bullshit.
Barak Obama is nothing more than a typical asshole politician. He is neither Black nor White. He is a Liberal, Left Wing Democrat who thinks that everything the United States stands for is wrong. He believes that we, the people, have condoned the actions of the current administration and it is his duty to save us from our sins because he knows better. He is an elitist asshole who only cares for one thing…his continued successful political career. He and Bill Clinton will go down in history as two of the three most useless idiots we have put in power for the last 50 years. I will let you decide who the third over-educated shit head is but I hear he loves peanuts.
Obama has campaigned on a ticket calling for change and people have fallen for that crap since he first opened his mouth. There is a belief that Obama really sees the problems that exist out there and has a definitive plan to bring about changes. Yet, no one has asked him how he would do it. No one, in the press, has challenged Obama…no one.
Meanwhile, the press and the Liberal elites are thumping their chests over the fact that they have been able to rattle and confuse Sarah Palin. They just love the fact that Katie (look at me) Couric has been able to “corner” the potential Vice President and make her stammer over her answers. Has anyone ever played tapes of Obama stumbling over answers for questions he was not prepared for? You ought to see them, they are pretty funny. The boy can stutter.
Okay, so who do I think will win the election? It’s quite obvious. We will have a new President who will have absolutely no experience and will end up probably as intellectually corrupt as some of his predecessors. Is there anything we can do about it? No, not really. Short of Obama doing something extremely stupid before the election, we will have a new, first time ever, black President, which I do not have a problem with, whatsoever. I just wish we were voting him in on substance and not due to guilt.
As for all of you Republicans out there who are still not sure how you will vote? Let me express how I feel about your inability to decide. You are a bunch of worthless, unintelligent assholes. If you are unable to decide at this point in time or are just embarrassed to admit that you will vote Republican, you need to move to Switzerland, you mindless freaks.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Honey, Did You See My Woodburning Kit?
Once again, I have been remiss in keeping up my blog. I wish I could tell you that I have been incredibly busy (which I have been) and unable to put one out at least twice a week. I wish I could say that, but I can’t. Unfortunately, by the time I get home, the last thing I want to do is look at my computer and, when I do, it is to check my company emails. How boring is that? So I better get it done during the day…at work!
Anyway, due to my constant need to find humor in everything that is miserable, I was able to come up with something to talk about today.
Remember the surgery I just had? And remember how my physician was unable to get to the last tumor without cracking my prostate? Well, he got to it yesterday!! And let me say one thing; there is no such thing as a simple procedure.
Let’s start our day at 6:30 in the morning as you get your butt out of bed after having slept soundly through the night. All of a sudden it hits you. You have to be at your doctor’s office at 9 AM for a “quick” procedure to remove a tumor in your bladder. The reason why it is not being done in the hospital is because your doctor’s equipment is better than the hospital’s and it allows him to have greater mobility inside your bladder. ALARM BELL #1
You get to your doctor’s office at 9AM and are immediately whisked into the Scope Room. This is a room that contains a middle age looking device with an eyepiece and a long black tube that would allow you to scratch your ass through your nose. This device is hanging on the wall with a bag of fluid and an electric prod next to it. ALARM BELL #2
You lay down on the exam table after removing your clothes and have a paper sheet draped over your midsection. Your nurse starts to put a numbing gel on your schmekl and tells you that you need to lay there and let it “do its thing” and the doctor will be in shortly. You ask, both jokingly and pleadingly at the same time, if perchance they may have a fistful of pills that you could swallow before the show starts. The reason is that you have never shit your pants in public before but there is always a first time and you are thinking that today may be that special day. Your loving nurse looks at you, pats your hand and says, “…don’t worry, you’ll be fine and it will be over quickly” ALARM BELL #3
In comes your doctor. My doc is a great guy. He loves what he does and he is really good at it. He is also one of these guys who believes in doing as much as he can in his office because his equipment is really good and he can “churn ‘em out”.
The first thing he does when he walks in the room is to tell me what he will be doing this morning. This is like telling someone who is about to be hanged exactly how you are about to kill him. A totally unnecessary discussion.
My response to all of this is absolutely nothing because I have stopped breathing normally and am slowly starting to pass out. After regaining some form of composure, we start the “procedure” which will involve my tumor being burned out, via cauterization” versus being cut out due to the blood thinners that I am on.
Without further ado, I see my doc remove the torture device from the wall while at the same time the nurse slaps a sticky object to my leg which, I find out later, is the grounding for the device which uses electric impulses to burn the tumor away.
I am now trying to go to a happy place. You start to see a beautiful pasture with wild flowers and children running through the field as your doctor says, “Hold on, I am going to hit it with a single short burst.” The image disappears as you initially suck the paper on the exam table up your ass because you are flexing so hard. Your doc, in his infinite bedside manner says, “…you need to relax, because I have to move this scope a little to get a better shot at it.” You go back to another happy place, this time on the blue, pristine waters of the Keys just as your doc goes, “…okay, this time I have a good shot at it. I am so sorry that this hurts, Dan, but I need to increase the power. I promise this is going to be it.”
You are just about to toss out your line at a passing bonefish when there is a new feeling that you have never had before. Could it be? Did your bladder just explode or did your doc just accidentally melt your nuts? And as quickly as that, it is over!
Your doc smacks you on the chest and tells you how great you are to put up with that pain and how everything is gone. The device has been removed and your doc scoots out of the room because he knows that if he sticks around, and I get my strength back, he will never father another child again.
As I eventually stumble out to the reception area, after getting dressed of course, my dear wife is standing there holding two prescriptions. One is for Avodart, a medication that keeps everything flowing, and the other is for CIPRO, the last resort antibiotic. This is the stuff that you get if we are ever attacked biologically. It is the only antibiotic that works and I have been on it, on and off, for the last two years. And, because of that, if we ever are attacked, CIPRO will no longer work for me. Great. At least, my bladder will be healthy.
Oh, and I forgot, I have a follow up in two weeks…ALARM BELL #4
Anyway, due to my constant need to find humor in everything that is miserable, I was able to come up with something to talk about today.
Remember the surgery I just had? And remember how my physician was unable to get to the last tumor without cracking my prostate? Well, he got to it yesterday!! And let me say one thing; there is no such thing as a simple procedure.
Let’s start our day at 6:30 in the morning as you get your butt out of bed after having slept soundly through the night. All of a sudden it hits you. You have to be at your doctor’s office at 9 AM for a “quick” procedure to remove a tumor in your bladder. The reason why it is not being done in the hospital is because your doctor’s equipment is better than the hospital’s and it allows him to have greater mobility inside your bladder. ALARM BELL #1
You get to your doctor’s office at 9AM and are immediately whisked into the Scope Room. This is a room that contains a middle age looking device with an eyepiece and a long black tube that would allow you to scratch your ass through your nose. This device is hanging on the wall with a bag of fluid and an electric prod next to it. ALARM BELL #2
You lay down on the exam table after removing your clothes and have a paper sheet draped over your midsection. Your nurse starts to put a numbing gel on your schmekl and tells you that you need to lay there and let it “do its thing” and the doctor will be in shortly. You ask, both jokingly and pleadingly at the same time, if perchance they may have a fistful of pills that you could swallow before the show starts. The reason is that you have never shit your pants in public before but there is always a first time and you are thinking that today may be that special day. Your loving nurse looks at you, pats your hand and says, “…don’t worry, you’ll be fine and it will be over quickly” ALARM BELL #3
In comes your doctor. My doc is a great guy. He loves what he does and he is really good at it. He is also one of these guys who believes in doing as much as he can in his office because his equipment is really good and he can “churn ‘em out”.
The first thing he does when he walks in the room is to tell me what he will be doing this morning. This is like telling someone who is about to be hanged exactly how you are about to kill him. A totally unnecessary discussion.
My response to all of this is absolutely nothing because I have stopped breathing normally and am slowly starting to pass out. After regaining some form of composure, we start the “procedure” which will involve my tumor being burned out, via cauterization” versus being cut out due to the blood thinners that I am on.
Without further ado, I see my doc remove the torture device from the wall while at the same time the nurse slaps a sticky object to my leg which, I find out later, is the grounding for the device which uses electric impulses to burn the tumor away.
I am now trying to go to a happy place. You start to see a beautiful pasture with wild flowers and children running through the field as your doctor says, “Hold on, I am going to hit it with a single short burst.” The image disappears as you initially suck the paper on the exam table up your ass because you are flexing so hard. Your doc, in his infinite bedside manner says, “…you need to relax, because I have to move this scope a little to get a better shot at it.” You go back to another happy place, this time on the blue, pristine waters of the Keys just as your doc goes, “…okay, this time I have a good shot at it. I am so sorry that this hurts, Dan, but I need to increase the power. I promise this is going to be it.”
You are just about to toss out your line at a passing bonefish when there is a new feeling that you have never had before. Could it be? Did your bladder just explode or did your doc just accidentally melt your nuts? And as quickly as that, it is over!
Your doc smacks you on the chest and tells you how great you are to put up with that pain and how everything is gone. The device has been removed and your doc scoots out of the room because he knows that if he sticks around, and I get my strength back, he will never father another child again.
As I eventually stumble out to the reception area, after getting dressed of course, my dear wife is standing there holding two prescriptions. One is for Avodart, a medication that keeps everything flowing, and the other is for CIPRO, the last resort antibiotic. This is the stuff that you get if we are ever attacked biologically. It is the only antibiotic that works and I have been on it, on and off, for the last two years. And, because of that, if we ever are attacked, CIPRO will no longer work for me. Great. At least, my bladder will be healthy.
Oh, and I forgot, I have a follow up in two weeks…ALARM BELL #4
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